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The Vice President said he appreciated how whenever he asked me a question I would take a second, before I answered. He told me none of the other staff did so, making me —once again— a minority of one. My New Age habit was to pause to get grounded, centred, with my subconscious engaged, before I answered. Thereby being fully honest, as a way of respecting his question.
In a meeting, individuals of certain ethnic groups show respect when they pause for a full second after someone speaks. Like them, I too prefer to be on standby mode for my CPU (central processing unit) until someone finishes, and only then fire it up to think.
In contrast, we westerners might wait only a microsecond, stepping on each other’s heels, to spit out our words. Partly because we are triple-tasking: …listening, and thinking over the words, and thinking what to reply… In our meetings we may end up “speed-talking,” person-after-person, while the poor ethnics don’t get a word in edgewise.
I say “we” but so far during such meetings, in real life, I normally lose faith in the other people; my heart sinks, and then I emotionally remove myself from any felt need to participate in “their” meeting.
(Note: A skilled chairman may slow the rush by “gatekeeping” who speaks next, by summarizing, and by calling on a quiet person —by using a sentence, not just blurting out a name— which reminds anyone impatient that everyone is allowed to have a voice)
But Saint Ambrose advises, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” My slower pace might well be a mistake. Should I “method act” to instantly start talking a nanosecond after someone finishes?… Maybe so, even if this means being hyped up and half exhausted but… not if I don’t love them. Not if there’s any despair at the pace, or a defensive pang of contempt. My love and respect would have to be authentic, a love I wasn’t able to summon on those few nights at the book club.
I realize that, socially, there is seldom a “should.” My friends, playing cards, would call anyone who cheated a cad. This while my brother played with folks who would happily, during their turn as dealer, peek at the bottom of the deck.
For various locations in time and space, as I continue to feel uneasy about how much respect to show, I know one thing for sure: In the end, a man must go by his own lights to do what seems right…
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Sean Crawford
Calgary
June
2025
Essay topic notes:
I told someone in my nonfiction support group “If you are stuck for a topic, then pay attention during the week to what gives you an emotional reaction.” Sometimes my reaction is only a whisper.
I’m sure “respect” is a topic that would make some folks feel embarrassed.
A man rich enough to have employees, the best selling author Mark Manson, said, “You can’t be an important and life changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others.…”
