Meetings Foul and Meetings Competent

seanessay.com (under 1,000 words—until David Bowie footnotes)

If tomorrow I was at a “gathering,” be it a community centre meeting, workshop, wedding reception, poetry recital, dinner party, two day business retreat, three day conference— OK, I’ll stop brainstorming now. Then I might be a timid wallflower; I would keep silent even as I saw things were being chaired or hosted incompetently… But if I saw some racism going on? Then I would speak up! A timid fellow like me would find heroic courage from being aware of right and wrong. Of competent and incompetent. 

For my part, if I accepted responsibility for leading any gathering, such as a business meeting, then I hope I would have the courage to be competent.

Why won’t most people be heroes and take the wheel? And be competent? Why has Priya Parker, a professional facilitator, found it necessary to write a book? Called The Art of Gathering subtitled How we Meet and Why it Matters. As part of talking about her wonderful book, I will attempt to answer my “wheelhouse” question.

Back when we were teenagers I think we were all timid: Easy to talk a bit too loud, but hard to step up to the plate. Remember our word choices? Rather than say “going steady” or “dating” we might say “seeing.” Rather than my taking responsibility for hosting a “party,” I might say we are having a “get together,” as in free spirited, spontaneous, no preparation—and no responsibility.

I think when we readers of books and blogs moved on into adulthood at university we kept our old behaviour patterns. Still youthfully afraid of planning. 

I remember, on campus, early one evening, being at a club party. Our wine and cheese venue was chosen for mixing, not dancing: A dim, carpeted lounge without too much furniture. But the energy, as so many of us were strangers, could have been better. Luckily the club president was a hero. He went up to people, standing there rolling his ankle, saying, “Well, uh, I prepared this party game, and, if people are willing to try it…” And even though we university students were trained in science and experimenting to see if things work, it still took him a while… at last we agreed to try—and we really livened up the party—and connected with each other! He did the right thing.

It’s as if, as grownups living post-high school, our mistaken belief in “not planning” meant that for doing parties, seminars and staff meetings we had refrained from opening our eyes to learn what behaviours would be optimal.

After graduation, after a year of role modelling in the white collar real world, you would think that we would all be professional, competent and enjoying effective meetings. You would be wrong. 

Judging by the Web, many people hate their business meetings. It logically follows that if, say, a “two day” workshop-meeting is needed, and if an outside facilitator is brought in, then she has to initially “waste time” with a white board or a long swatch of brown wall paper: To have the businesspeople generate ideas for what good meeting behaviours and norms are; for “the group” to see their words on the wall and be accountable… I wonder whether staff, inside themselves, already know what competent meetings are like, but can’t encourage themselves to outwardly do the right thing. 

Part of their problem is that “self-leadership” for “being appropriate” at meetings must be role modelled by the formal leaders. If executives won’t do the ABC’s of a functional meeting, then heaven help the poor wage slaves.

And part of the problem, besides other human factors, is when our fellow managers or our fellow employees are timid. I’m glad that most of us, even if we can’t control our work lives, can at least control any private gathering we host such as a charity picnic or book discussion group. That is, if we have learned what to do, and then have the courage to do it.

Which is where Parker’s wonderful book comes in. In Gatherings she has little interest in listing “tips and tricks.” Rather, she wants to explain the theory behind “why it matters.” Because merely plugging in an activity can be a disaster if you don’t know the theory. As can, for example, a poor choice of venue, or a well-intentioned but ill-informed “diversity” of people. Good things can happen unwittingly, but you can’t depend on it.  

For example, I remember a graduate student with a reputation for “dependably” having good parties. But her reputation was merely by accident. This I found out when she moved, and then “hosted” another party. That night I felt frustrated. So I led a few people down the street to a donut shop. We had a nice time. When we eventually returned to the party, I found everybody still glued onto the very same chairs as when we left. Alas, if only she knew the theory of encouraging people to mix… She could have had fewer chairs than people, or heroically led people to rotate chairs, or …

For Parker, the right thing, for a seminar or supper, is to purposely have guests connected… guests respected… and guests equal. The latter could mean, for example, a rule about not volunteering one’s job status. She relates how Truman Capote, at a big party, used the theory of equality by ordering all his party guests, many of them self-important household names, to wear masks. It was a swell party. 

Parker would say Capote used his host authority for the sake of his guests, not himself. Forget teenage “freedom.” People will forgive you for giving them directions on what to do—such as “to switch chairs,” or “to introduce their neighbour” at a charity supper—if you are doing it for their sake.

I am now taking notes on Priya Parker’s book so I can do the right thing.

As David Bowie said, We can be heroes, just for one day.

…

…

Sean Crawford,

Willing to observe (or teach) your Alberta meeting if asked,

Cowtown,

March 2021

Footnote: 

~Here is a Goodreads link to Parker’s book

~Got anti-racism? This year, I hear that down in the States white people are having meetings at work to learn to be non-racist. (I make no comment) Meanwhile, especially on the Web, some white activists seem to be self-indulgent in their rebellious glee, or in their self-gratifying outrage—making themselves more important than reaching “the hearts and minds” of others. Here, back in 1983, David Bowie gets his point across to a fellow white more effectively than any modern social justice warrior.

~If you have the attention span to read down this far, then you may enjoy this six minute long version of Heroes, live in Berlin, as Bowie gives his energy to the audience. I prefer it to the record-length official music video. And yes, I miss him too.