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Derek Sivers’s blog has scores of comments for his recent Travelling Just for the People. (Instead for landmarks and tourist sights) A few of the commenters, no doubt representing many lurkers, lamented they don’t know how to meet the locals. “Not even in bars and cafes” says one, explaining he came from a more reserved generation. As a recovering nerd, I have had to crudely learn what comes so natural to regular folks. Here, from Derek’s blog, are all of my hopefully helpful comments:
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Speaking of people, today I was at Trafalgar Square. I told a pair of strangers, “Want to know a fact? See those (famous) lion statues? The artist didn’t have any lions to observe, so for his model he used a dog.”
Recently I have wondered about myself, because I read that people from (I forget, grim Russia?) think Americans are false when they are so friendly. Not me. I go to parties in a friendly meet-ladies mood, and I travel in a friendly meet-people mood. Even at busy airports. In fact, my latest blog post is all about conversing with a singer-songwriter, sans guitar, I met waiting for a plane.
Derek, as best I recall, when we met I didn’t try to “pick your brain,” I tried to have “a conversation” while contributing whatever facts about life and me that I could.
My policy for people, including strangers, is to have them leave me feeling better, never worse. It’s like a manager setting broad goals, and it’s like zen: When I set “feeling better” as my intention, somehow wonderful things happen. (Say, I got bumped to a jet’s first class once, from being nice to two ticket sellers)
Derek, I think you enjoy conversation more than most, conversation that piles things up to get somewhere. (Or circles back) So does my airport acquaintance. But most people, I have noticed, if the conversation is interrupted, don’t know where they left off AND don’t care. I suspect they were only talking to “hang out,” to “pass the time,” without any goals.
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For #4 Enzo I won’t give you any specific instructive examples, but I will pass on some theory from my blog essay,
QUOTE
I am acquainted with a home-grown dark haired girl. She is pretty, attractive, the kind you’d like to meet—but she can walk the whole length of main street and not one person, male of female, will speak to, or be spoken to, by her. A mutual friend told me why: The poor girl walks along with a closed body, stiff eyes, in her own closeted world. In contrast, my friend walks along with scanners scanning, sensors sensing, and a bright eyed look at world: How could anyone not talk to her? She says she got that trick of being approachable off of me.
UNQUOTE
I suppose role modelling off a friend is the best way to learn, but the next best might be modelling off strangers who speak with you. When you get home ask ‘what did they do? How did it work’
I think you will find that they did not “force it” but rather they “set an intention” of brightening people’s day, within a bright friendly world.
I think I say the first words to a stranger when I am being helpful. Furthermore, I think a “help mindset” is easy to acquire, however hard that might seem at first. It’s like how one swiftly learns to be creative or do theatre improv, or get physically fit in a surprisingly fast time.
Although I have an introvert nerd background, today I “wouldn’t even dream” of going around with hard eyes in a hard bubble.
Oh, here’s an example: Today in a lineup (queue) I helped keep a six year old, wearing his Japanese rugby shirt, entertained by reaching into my bag and pulling out my Japanese Totoro hat. (Turns out the family had gotten half way through the Totoro movie before bed time) In return, I learned from the Mum about a nice river boat that costs only a bus fare. And we shared about our lives during the next exhibit line up. (Kasuma’s mirror infinity rooms)
This evening, at a North Sea Fish restaurant, I forget how I initially helped a married couple at the next table. They liked some talking (waiters can always tell who is married by how little they talk) and we helped by exchanging information on tourist places. And talked of our lives.
So yes. Get your mind off yourself and on to others. Talk too little rather than too much. As Derek would say in a music business post, it is considerate to be helpful, entertaining and conversational. In London, as in life, that’s what we all want.
And hey, don’t forget: As a tourist you have permission!
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Hello #4 Enzo (and others) I am still thinking about you.
I won’t write about cafes and bars, but today I spoke to three ladies outside (famous store) Harrods. They were photographing Kasuma polka dots in the display windows. I said, “Did you know that there is a giant statue of her painting dots high up onto the side of Harrods?”
Very energized they said, “We know!” and told me of something to see further down the block. So, we warmly helped each other.
Inside Harrods, Louis Vuitton had a collaboration with Kasuma. You could line up for a dot photograph room, and for entering an infinity room, and with hardly any line up use a (county fair) grapple machine to collect a ball with dot stickers suitable for, say, a lap top. A shop girl with a dotted shirt was going down the hall towards the collaboration when I followed, and made a tired guard smile by saying, “I’m following those dots!”
Knowing that shop girls (clerks) can be tired, I helped with cheer by relating to her what I said to the guard.
The young woman thanked my for asking before I took her picture (full length, to get her shoes) and she ended up using a good line for a conversation by asking, “Who is your favourite author?” When I replied, she said, “My mother likes him!” Our little conversation took place around her work of lining people up, which means she wasn’t too busy to have her day brightened up.
In my life, a line that wouldn’t work for you, because I am a rehabilitation worker, is to joke, “I need to practise my social skills” as a preamble, and then repeat a question that I had been asked—as a former nerd I can still freeze up and answer a question literally and forget to counter question. So, sans preamble, I later asked for her favourite author.
I took in the matinee of Hamilton.
A couple made me stand up to get past me, then went along the row behind me, and ended up sitting right behind me. I could tell they might feel awkward at getting me to stand “for nothing” (actually it made sense) so I helped by saying, “We meet again!” Chuckles. We ended up talking a bit. The man worked near the Bank of England but had never been to the bank museum, which was where I had learned that far more of the slave trade went to the islands than to the US.
Next to me was a young Japanese lady with her non-flash camera, for AFTER the show. Wearing a white jacket. I knew she would be too shy to wiggle it off during a performance so I said, “Hello. I see that most people have taken their coats off.” (And draped them on their chairs) She was fine. Turned out this was her seventh performance. We talked. She was of the young age when people will be shy-scared as they talk, so I didn’t include her in the conversation with the others. But I think she enjoyed being able to share her love of the show. And I showed her on my city map the tube station where the Royal Court Theatre (Samuel French) bookshop has two thick copies left of Hamilton.
Enzo, if I comment at length it’s because guys like me need lots of repetition to try out a new behaviour (being helpful to talk to strangers) pattern. Besides, as a former uptight nerd (suppressed, repressed and depressed) it does me good to write as though I have learned something down the years.
My mantra, years ago, was, “Because I am afraid to love, you are alone.”
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Update: The artist’s full name is Yayoi Kusama. Children call her the polka dot lady. The only time she has collaborated with Louis Vuitton was back in 2012. The staff are so excited to have her back.
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At #95 Peter Smith asks how (for Europe) to“break out of tourist mode andconnect with the people there.” Firstly, I don’t know, as I am a “less social nerd,” but secondly, as a nerd I like to think of answering: I once attended a party where the theme was to dress like a “tacky tourist.”
It seems to me the reason tourists dress that way is to announce they are a tourist, and therefore open to the typical tourist meet-the-locals thingy. You know, like how, after Forest Gump (joke) invented the smile button folks wore it to invite people to be friendly. (A cynic talked of a world where buttons smile and people don’t)
Today in a London bar I was wearing my long plaid nylon snap-on bib to have roast beef. Tacky enough? Although a nerd, I did not read a magazine or anything as I ate. And no devices! When my plate was taken away the Englishman at the next table broke the ice by saying, “Your meal looked so good I was famished.” I ended up moving with my beer to his table (to free up mine) and he bought me beer. Nice conversation; I self-identified as a nerd when he asked me a sports question.
Peter, I just daydreamed about you and your wife, for your upcoming anniversary tourist-visit, each wearing a big white name tag sticker where you wrote “still married.” I bet locals would laugh, wanting to talk and learn your secret!
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For David T, #131, yes I too try to be unhurried, putting, as you did in London, quality over quantity. For London one can buy a tourist lanyard (if you are still in America, like buying a tourist brit rail pass) allowing all sorts of benefits, including going to the head of the line, but… You have to see two famous sites a day to break even, cash-wise.
I usually see only one tourist site per day, so that I have time to walk and make connections.
Two chaps working in a coffee shop, one a self-described Cockney, shook my hand
(one shook outside, from a bench as I was leaving; he was NOT just shaking goodby)
after I inspired them about travel and how to save money even on their shop wages.
(Your bank officer will help you if you ask)
I would NOT have chatted with them
(after first chatting over a coffee table with a customer who knew them)
if I was foolishly in a hurry for “quantity” in my day….
Say, I think I broke the ice with the customer by cheerfully saying I didn’t mind him being in line ahead of me, after he expressed some guilt, at the counter, to the staff.
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Machines and things are easier: In the world human affairs, there are no sure-fire technologies for results. Two or more commenters (and many lurkers) have asked, “How can I meet people as a tourist?” Tips and tricks, however, may take time for them to learn.
The one thing swiftly within one’s total control is one’s attitude. Derek’s Book Notes includes advice on page 103 from Austin Kleon’s book:
You will need:
curiosity
kindness
stamina
a willingness to look stupid
Kleon’s list resonates with me; each item is worth dwelling on.
It is easy to say, “I can’t…” (change my attitude) Are you sure?
When a successful businessman speaks, I listen: A fellow who built a business from nothing to 150 employees said, “My biggest nightmare is the fellow we fire who then realizes he needs to turn his life around, and goes to work for our competition.”
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Sean Crawford
February
London
2023
Art note: During my last trip to London Kasuma’s exhibit at the Tate Modern was sold out. Back at home I kept my eyes open and when more ticket days finally became available I pounced. The parents I was with thought the exhibit was important enough to take their children out of school to see it.
For a souvenir, I bought someone’s graphic novel of her life, and Kasuma’s own autobiography. (Yes, an obedient daughter can rebel and become a frightened, excited artist)
Update: Kasuma made the dots on David Bowie’s jumpsuit costume back in the 1970’s.
Coffee Travel: An American went to the same coffee place I wrote about:
QUOTE
This morning…we went for a stroll on the streets of London…I grabbed Michael’s arm as we headed for Shaftesbury Avenue. I was excited to introduce him to Monmouth Coffee, a ritual for me when I come to London on my own. Monmouth is a tiny shop where you have to suck in your stomach to squeeze by the long line of customers who’ve already placed their order at the register. The coffee is the best I’ve ever tasted, and the croissants are melt-in-your-mouth perfection. Michael and I shared one as we walked up and down the shop-lined streets admiring the window displays—…and a movie paraphernalia-shop window filled with Harry Potter wands, classic film posters, and a hanging model of a Star Wars TIE fighter.
UNQUOTE
From Waking Up in Winter subtitled In Search of What Really Matters at Midlife, by Cheryl Richardson.
Writing note: Cheryl’s paragraph took 18 lines, which fits paper; I wish I dared write at such length for a screen… while cell phones are best for tweets.
TV series song lyrics: (link)
