seanessay.com
Dear Diary:
I hate to admit this, but this morning I was “doubling down.” I put “d d” into my vocabulary recently, when a fellow told his young nieces, “Don’t get any tattoos.” He warned that after you make the mistake of getting the first “tat” you “double down” and get a second one, or a third.
I started thinking of similar examples of d d from my past —gloomy educational examples— to be shoved into the back of my mind to be looked at some other time.
Does it count as “d d” if you are a tattoo artist? I recall a man who advised against getting any tattoos. He got six, then no more, never again—advice he wrote in his fascinating book about his career as a tattoo artist …a book without any pictures.
So here I am, virtuously up at sunrise, then doing too much screen time. Just as, statistically, a lot of us do. Why? Am I avoiding my life? Is it something psychological? Maybe I am desperately seeking “equity,” as in trying to hit a good site to justify the time I have already wasted? And maybe, in so wondering, I’m grasping at straws.
As for psychology, I think we should all admit that the geeky computer nerds in the big corporations, with their big spy-on-you algorithms are just as terribly skilled as the villains who engineer the gambling casinos. That is one house you can never beat.
So if my compulsive endless scrolling—without even bothering to look at the time in the upper corner of my screen—is something psychological, then maybe it’s a human thing of doubling down. I already know I can’t defeat procrastination, as statistically none of us can do, not perfectly. I can ask, “Am I procrastinating?” That’s of some help, but I can answer “yes” while looking into my mirror, and carrying on, even as I’m feeling lower than a pregnant ant: something a lot of us can do.
But to look myself in the eye and ask, “Am I doubling down?” That surely sounds like an invitation for my sense of humour to click in, just as surely as I won’t get any tattoos this year.
I realize I’m a slow learner, and that at the next sunrise I will again turn on my computer.
Tomorrow, dear diary, I will be alert not to double down.
… …
… …
Sean Crawford
at home on a stupid “staycation,”
instead of my scheduled road trip,
Because I had to pop in to a stupid hospital.
November
2025
Essay Site Note: My desktop has a lot of icons, of bookmarked sites, to click on. NOT bookmarked is one of my favourite sites, one where I sometimes comment, whatever.scalzi.com
Writer John Scalzi’s last three posts were: a recipe, a homemade instrumental of Adele, and a photograph of a sign from the parks board.
Strangely enough, I keep forgetting to go onto the site, forgetting to type in the URL.
Moral? Out of sight is out of mind.
